Maddie

 I began having mental health symptoms at the age of 4. I struggled with psychosis, a mood disorder, extreme anxiety, and compulsive thinking in silence until the age of 14. I was initially diagnosed at 14 with OCD. I couldn’t fully articulate the symptoms I was having. My diagnosis journey was a long one. It was changed to mood disorder not otherwise specified with anxiety at 16. At 19, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. In my late 20’s I was finally diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar type, generalized anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

I spent 35 years battling in silence. I felt like I had to hide my true self due to the stigma in society about mental health. While working as an educator, I fought hard for my students, but suffered greatly personally. While fighting mania, depression, suicidal thoughts, psychosis, or debilitating anxiety, I continued to work. I didn’t disclose my mental health to my job due to the stigma. I spent seven years living to survive. I went through the motions in my personal life, fought to keep the mask on at work, and began to withdraw from others. Battling such severe symptoms in silence only made them worse. When my mental health took a dramatic turn, the symptoms became harder to hide, and I felt exposed.

In 2022 I found employment in a different environment, still in the field of education. The new career path enabled me to have less stress and focus on my mental health recovery. I continued to hide my diagnosis and remained withdrawn. I found it hard to communicate with others while hearing the negative voices in my head. The paranoia and anxiety were at an all-time high. Connecting with others was difficult.

In 2023, my life changed forever. I was living what I call a baseline of psychosis, severe depression, high anxiety, and battling PTSD. I had no motivation, my physical health was at an all-time low, and I withdrew from society, simply living to survive. Getting out of bed every day was a huge task. One day, my doctor called about a new medication. I was on well over ten medications at the time. I figured, what’s one more? I tried the new medication and felt an immediate difference. For the first time in a decade, I was able to feel emotions. I began to feel motivated. I felt like I began to live life again. I was doing so well that my doctor decided to reduce some of my other medications. Unfortunately, she reduced a life-altering mediation. In August 2023, I became manic for the first time in a long time. I didn’t realize my symptoms, and it began to snowball. In October 2023, I realized that not only was I manic but entering a severe psychotic state. I continued to work until the end of November 2023. I was not receiving adequate support and felt that functioning was becoming nearly impossible. For the first time in my life, I took medical leave from work. I was severely sedated to try to combat the mania. I became unable to care for myself due to my symptoms. My husband had to work from home to care for me 24/7. I was unable to drive and spent my days lying in bed.

By early December 2023, my symptoms remained. My doctor decided to increase my lithium medication, but did not obtain bloodwork to check my levels. I began to slowly die.

On December 17, 2023, I only saw life in the form of hallucinations. I could hardly walk, could barely speak, was in diapers, couldn’t use a cell phone, couldn’t swallow, and was ceasing to function. I recall the high level of anxiety and fear for the things I saw and heard, which were just hallucinations. At 5 pm, my husband got me into his truck to go to therapy. While sitting in the driveway, my therapist called to check on me because I had missed my appointment. Once we hung up the phone, I gathered enough strength to utter the words “Take me to the hospital.” My husband took me to a local mental health hospital. I could hardly walk into the building. I was covered in vomit, unable to speak clearly, and could not write my name to sign myself in. Staff immediately recognized the magnitude of my symptoms. They called an ambulance. I spent a long time in a small room awaiting the ambulance. It never came. I continuously tried to flee, in between trying to eat garbage and vomiting.

My husband begged to have me released to him so that he could drive me to the ER. Staff agreed. I recall walking into the ER while my husband parked the truck. I couldn’t verbalize what was happening. When my husband got inside, he advocated for me. When taken to triage it was found that I had extreme lithium toxicity and was in immediate danger of dying.

I spent three days in the ER and was ultimately transferred to the ICU where I lay unresponsive for weeks. I received massive amounts of fluids to flush the lithium from my blood. This enlarged my heart, put an extreme strain on it, and then caused portions of my lungs to collapse. I ended up receiving two rounds of dialysis to clear my system. Once my blood was clear they did an EEG, which showed little brain activity. My recovery looked bleak. Silent syndrome was discussed. My husband actively grieved as he prepared to lose me. It looked like I would die or lose my mental faculties.

Here is where the hope comes in. During my last day in the ICU, I began to show signs of recovery. I have amnesia from the fall/winter and have no short-term memory. My husband would leave the ICU room, and I would forget that he had been there until this day. I began to recall short-term events. I began to try to speak in sentences. While my speech was greatly inhibited, and I struggled to breathe while speaking, I still tried. I was ultimately transferred to the mental hospital. My medications were stopped in the ICU, and I needed a safe place to restart them. While in the mental hospital, I taught myself how to dial a landline. I taught myself how to write my name. I attempted to speak. While I was a fall risk, I continued to try to walk. Hope began to arise in this section of the hospital. I was told it would take a significant amount of time, but recovery was a possibility.

Upon returning home, I spent my days alone in bed, so sure this is what death felt like. I begged to be with my parents, I begged to end the pain. One day, when I learned to read and use a computer again, I read my medical records. I had no memory of what had happened to me. I spent years of my life feeling like dying was my only option. My symptoms were so severe that living was painful. When I read my medical records, that changed forever. I decided that I wasn’t going to die. I got out of bed and walked laps in my house for thirty seconds. I practiced using a cell phone. While my speech was still not normal, I got on the phone and begged for help. I found a new team of doctors and a day treatment program. When I learned to drive again, I went to the day program several times a week. The staff at the day program told me that after a major psychotic episode, you’re never the same, but this is your opportunity to create a better you. I took that to heart. I spent every waking moment like a sponge, taking in every coping skill I possibly could. I decided to look at life positively.

Three months after returning home, I returned to work full-time. I felt like my life was saved for a reason. I knew living in silence was no longer for me. I began to speak openly, sharing my story with whoever would listen, including my coworker. Having a safe place at work, where I could share if I was having a bad day, was extremely healing. The support I received from my employers dramatically changed my life.

Four months after returning home, I created J&E. I wanted to share my experience, hope, and message of recovery. I wanted to educate my community about mental health. I wanted to create a safe space for others. I began with online advocacy work. In October 2024 our first support group opened.

In October 2024 I was accepted into the top four social work graduate programs in the country. I felt a calling to obtain my MSW so that I could expand J&E and promote more change surrounding the view of mental health.

Today, J&E is actively expanding. We are in the process of creating more free support groups. I sit on the mental health collaborative board for my county. I try to be an active part of my community, seeking to create change.

My dream with J&E is to provide mental health education, awareness, and support. Mental is health. I hope that one day, others can openly discuss their mental health needs as I do today. The acceptance I feel increases my ability to live in recovery. I want that for others.

While my story runs much deeper, I hope that hearing this snippet provides a glimpse into J&E. We actively partner with other community organizations. We welcome anyone who wants to promote mental health change.

If you are living with mental health needs, please know you are not alone! Recovery and hope are possible. Remember, recovery is not linear. Don’t beat yourself up for having a bad moment, day, or week. You are a SUPEHERO for continuing to fight through every moment.

Amanda

My name is Amanda and I live in the fabulous town of Wilkes Barre. I work at AAA in the Member Relations Department. My hobbies include singing and dancing. I am a huge karaoke fan.

 I had a mental breakdown in October of 2023. I experienced the worst anxiety, depression, and paranoia that you could ever imagine. Simply put I was in a very dark place. God has blessed me with an amazing group of people who have helped me in my mental health journey. 

My mental health recovery is due to first and foremost God and the power of prayer.

Secondly, my amazing therapist has helped me overcome hardship and a medication treatment that has changed my life.

The gym and my personal trainer were another form of therapy that has helped me in my recovery. I remember my personal trainer telling me, “It doesn’t matter what happened to you in the past. All that matters is that you are here now.” His words meant so much to me during that time because I had such guilt from my episodes. The gym became more than just a place to get fit. It was therapeutic and gave me a reason to get up each morning. It has helped me overcome depression and became my saving grace.

I thank my support system which includes a group of friends that a girl could ever ask for. They were there for me at my lowest and just helped me celebrate two years since I was released from the hospital.

I wouldn’t have amazing mental health without God.  It wasn’t an overnight process but Christ gave me the strength and courage to get help and restore my mental health.

My favorite bible verse is “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I trust that Jesus was with me every step of the way. I was fearful when I was unsure how to face another day. He carried me through my darkest days and changed my life. When I cried out for help he answered my call.  I will be eternally grateful to Jesus for rescuing me. 

J.K.

My first symptom started in 1983. I was at work and was seeing things on the wall, hallucinations. I was taken to the hospital. Doctors tried numerous medications without success. ECT became my treatment of choice. I was hospitalized several more times. I continued to try to work, but struggled. In 1988 I applied for disability. I decided to spend my time volunteering at several places. I've lived with multiple symptoms, including auditory hallucinations. I recall watching TV and I would scratch my head and then later someone on tv show I was watching does the same. My doctor called this broadcasting. Today, I'm working on not sweating the small things. I find that I get worked up over smaller things and worry. To help with my symptoms I use prayer and meditation. I consider myself in recovery today. While I still struggle with worrying, I take steps to overcome. I know worrying won't change the outcome.

Paul

I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder bipolar type,  Tourettes syndrome, ADHD, PTSD and anxiety. With all my diagnoses and all the struggles I have gone through in my short 34 years on this earth, I try to not let it define me or ruin my life. I spent 8 years as a teen and young adult in various mental health institutions in three different states. 

Now, I am happily married to my wife and best friend, I have a job I enjoy and we own a house and 2 cars.

I would not go back and change a single thing about my past experiences because they led me to the amazing life I have today.

For me I enjoyed my year-long DBT class and found it super helpful. I even met a friend that I still talk to now. The DBT skill I find myself using the most is checking the facts. I do this a lot when the world seems unfair. This skill keeps me grounded in the here and now. I find that the best way to get out of my head and off my “pitty pot” is to help others. When I was on SSI, I did a lot of volunteer work, including helping out at a mental health crisis center. Now that I am working, I don’t have the time to have a volunteer job, but I still do all I can to help others. I will help people with accessibility needs bring their carts back or load their groceries into their car at a store. These little acts of kindness I show towards strangers help me in more ways than I can express. Most importantly, it reminds me that even though I have mental health challenges, I am physically healthy, and it puts my obstacles in perspective for me.

I feel like I had two big turning points. The first one was when I was in year 9 of living on SSI. I found myself bored a majority of the time. One day, I was sitting in my very small studio apartment and had had enough of it. The next day, I started looking for jobs. I was hired at a grocery store that was willing to accommodate my disabilities. This job was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was interacting with the public regularly and realized I was really great at my job. I even got a promotion to a management role. I also met my wife, who was working at the same store. We got married and just celebrated our four years last week.

The other turning point was the three years I took care of my mother. I put my life on hold to take care of her in her final years, and it really brought me out of my shell. I had to advocate for her on a daily basis. I was calling Social Security, talking to doctors, and managing all of her finances. Before taking care of my mom, I was unable to call and make my own doctor appointments or advocate for myself in any way due to my anxiety. Sadly, my mom lost her battle, but I know she was happy to have me in her corner. Most people saw that I was helping my mom, but very few people saw that helping my mom was helping me as well.

I would like to tell people, never give up hope of a better tomorrow. It is really hard to see life getting better when every second is a struggle. I get it! It took me 11 years of fighting to get to the amazing life I have today. If I can do it, so can you! If you told the 17-year-old institutionalized me that at 34 I would be married, a homeowner, employed, and ridiculously happy, I would not have believed you in a million years. Now looking back on my life, I would not have changed a single second because all of my past challenges led me to be the strong, empowered, and independent man I am proud to be today.

Jenny

“The ultimate goal of recovery is to find joy in every second of the present. And nowhere else.”

 My recovery had several levels. Spiritual. Mental. Physical. I needed reconstruction in each department. Each one had a different solution. On one level I needed to detach from the Romantic relationship I had with the drug. It was just like a break-up. When I missed it I reminded myself of a list of its flaws. I truly just had to get over it. Even if meaning I had to just wander the desert again. But I had to do cognitive therapy on myself. I convinced myself that it was the best logic, the best decision. I had to pull on something greater to lead me out of there. So that was God and love; the people I love.

So then that was the mental and spiritual work.  All I needed was the physical approach. And that was facilitating the ability to look in a different direction than the drug cycle or drug routine. I had to create a new path; new habits, new routine. But this was so hard to facilitate when friends and family were busy. I needed someone or something to take me by the hand and guide me in a new direction. New scenery. New everything. I was able to meet a boyfriend who did this for me but everyone should be so lucky to discover gentle guidance and redirection like I did. That's what a good rehab should do. And everyone should be able to afford this true medicine. I prayed the cravings away.  Many of us were praying and this paved the way to making walking away smoother with less chaos.

The drug was the only known thing I had that could ground me and calm me down from hypersensitivity. I could exhale in relief. I had PTSD symptoms from a bad childhood. And they were made worse by military experiences. I was ultimately diagnosed with schizoaffective, bipolar type, ADD, and PTSD. Every day I had to work with myself and ask myself what bothered me and 1 by 1 I would train my mind with exercises to target each disruptive thing. For example, intrusive thoughts. It was a multi-layered project. For every intrusive thought, I would end the thought with an active positive thought, or happy ending. So I trained my mind to have a habit and therefore a river of positive thoughts started to dominate my mind. I still struggle with dissociation and restlessness, but I re-arranged the perspective I was walking in, and eventually, the disruptions were easier to ignore and minimize in the background.

I always knew something was off about me. I had pride at first but I started having breakdowns all the time before I got into drugs, labels didn't matter to me I knew that even though I was a tangled mess by default, if unfolded, I was a good person

I created a river of positive thoughts by repeated habit which made it harder for disruptive thoughts to fight the current.

Your self-esteem is gold and must be preserved. See yourself as a golden child.  A child of God who is innocent yet capable of everything. That played in the mud for some time. But has become clean again

Today, I get my dopamine from living.

Refuse and reject shame and guilt. Thoroughly accept yourself. The best thing is changed behavior, not prolonged self-punishment.

Surrender to change

Do you have a mental health recovery story?

Email maddieandrews@jesupport.org today to share your story. We would love to feature you on our website and social media to spread hope and end the stigma!